If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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