he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
