Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
