mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
And then he peed in my hair
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