you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
