farters have to be the big spoon...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
