Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
