from now on my penis is your penis
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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