i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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