Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm determined to sit on that face.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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