i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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