Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
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