We're like a lot better than the average bears
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Randomize
