I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
