I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
