plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
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Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
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I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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