I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
