i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
