Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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