No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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