I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
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I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
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And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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