did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
