that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
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Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
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Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
FUCK WHALES
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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