while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
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I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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