so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
