I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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