Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
