I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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