one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
