doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
