My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
