i already hear my dad disowning me
love makes seman taste better
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I think I sprained my soul last night
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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