don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.