Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
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You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
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I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis