I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
