His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.