Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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