$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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