How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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