I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
