The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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