i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
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he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
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I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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