Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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