All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
