You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
