considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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