He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
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While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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