Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
