I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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