I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
