Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
