I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just threw up on my dentist
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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