She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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