walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
