Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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