I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I want to make a zoo with you.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
