Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I got inside last night via doggy door
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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