I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Everyone says I win the strip club
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
