does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
