I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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