There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
