I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
